Boba Family » Discipline

Weapons, and Violence, and Kids, Oh My!

Jill — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:54:50 +0000

Weapons, violence, and kids are touchy subjects these days and it’s understandable that in our world today people are concerned about kids being violent and growing up to be violent adults. The media tells us that crime levels and violence continue to rise and toy weapons and television get a lot of blame, but is this the real reason?

Kids have always played with weapons and in the past adults have never even questioned it. Today weapon play is banned at most schools and children’s activities. This boy even got suspended from school for pointing his finger like a gun! This boys mom said he doesn’t even own toy guns! Are these things really to blame, even in part? I tend to think that what molds children is more about their relationships with their parents and how they are treated in everyday life than what toys they own. Being punished and constantly reprimanded for enjoying something is detrimental. Young children don’t have the social stigmas attached to weapons like adults do so they don’t understand why they are being punished, it just makes them feel bad.

When my son was two his favorite toys were trucks and animals. We’d drive the animals around in the trucks and make them give each other hugs and talk nicely to each other. But one day something happened; the animals were fighting and eating each other. I tried to steer him away from this violent play but I realized he couldn’t help it – it seemed like a part of him that needed to come out. It made me understand that some gender roles exist because they are natural. I realized that playing with weapons or pretending to fight did not make my son any different in his everyday life. As he got older, he identified more and more with weapons, superheroes and the like but he stayed that sweet boy too. He loves babies, and enjoys all kinds of play not just fighting games. He is one of the kindest people I know. I stopped worrying about it because it’s not about me, it is about him doing what he enjoys and being himself.

Here’s some things that helped me relax about weapon play:

Play even if the game isn’t your thing. That way you know how the play really feels and can steer it in a more appropriate direction if it’s getting too rough.
Talk about how weapons are really used and why real ones are dangerous. It doesn’t always need to be a lesson but it’s good for them to know the basics.
Listen to why they enjoy playing these games and appreciate their happiness.

I choose not to control my kids’ toys because I want to support them no matter what they like. I want to appreciate their authentic selves. I don’t want them to feel bad for their needs and interests. What effects them most is the attention and support they receive from their parents and role models. Not allowing certain play or toys creates feelings of mistrust between the parent and child, which can then lead to anger. But listening to and playing with the child forms the trust and support of a good relationship. This seems like a much better defense against violence in children… funny how we’d like to blame it all on a plastic gun though.

All Feelings Are Valid

Jill — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 14:22:20 +0000

All feelings are valid. This seems like an obvious statement, but in our busy lives as parents it’s easy to forget to respect our children’s feelings. As a mom of four young children I know how outbursts can seem out of control. Kids emotions can be loud, messy and hard to handle! Instead of trying to control my children’s emotions I let them express how they feel in the moment. You know what they say, “the wildest colts make the best horses”. I think children are often trivialized in our society. “It’s ok, you’re fine”, “Don’t be a scaredy cat”, or a fast “No” with no consideration are common expressions that would not be used when talking to an adult.

I believe that too much of this can hurt a child’s self esteem, making him think his feelings are meaningless.Here are some general examples that I think parents get frustrated with often:-An infant cries for his mother to hold her… Is this any different than an adult asking a loved one or friend for help?

I personally believe infants should be held by their parents almost all the time so that cuts out the question of when to pick them up. I carry my four month old in a Boba Wrap so she can be with me and I have the freedom to move and use both hands. When a baby cries it means something 100% of the time.-A two year old getting into everything can be hard for a parent, but it is so important for his development to explore his world.

I believe children need to explore. If all they hear is “No” or are stuck in their playpens, they aren’t learning! Yes, it takes a lot of time to safely parent a child at this age but it’s worth it!

-A five year old is frustrated with a toy or friend and throws a fit…
This might not be pleasing to the eyes or ears, but giving the child a time out or ignoring him tells him his feelings are not OK. Feelings of frustration are a normal part of life. By not acknowledging a child’s natural emotions he may end up feeling guilty for even having them.

-I have 5 year old twin girls and believe me, they throw fits! When it’s happening I always first remind myself that they are NOT trying to upset me! I remember all the huge things that are going on in their little lives: their bodies are growing, their lives are constantly changing, they just became big sisters, maybe they’re hungry or tired (yes these last two are huge to a five year old). They just need love, help and understanding.

-A nine year old gets stuck on a video game level and is sad, mad or frustrated. This may seem trivial to an adult but is really important to the child. Telling him it’s “no big deal” implies that his feeling are wrong.

I know I can remember being a kid and thinking everything in my life was just as important as the things in my adult life now. I know my son feels the same about his video games or the stories that he writes and I want to show him that his interests are important to me too.

So, hold your baby when he wants you, help your two year old check everything out, play with your four year old and nine year old even if Candyland or Super Mario aren’t your thing. LISTEN to them above everything else! When nothing else works, just be there with them and listen to whatever they want to tell you.

As parents we can be advocates for our children in every way. We can take a step back from work, bills, cleaning, and all our “important” stuff. We can remember what it was like to be a child, and how it felt to be trivialized. We can tell them how important they are by showing them courtesy and respect and paying attention to all their emotions, even the ones we don’t particularly like. It will mean the world to them, I promise!

For more reading on this subject I suggest:
Guidance vs Discipline
Emotions are not Bad Behavior
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Positive Parenting: Discipline versus Guidance

Abby — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 19:29:03 +0000

As parents we all joke about the elusive “manual” that should accompany the birth of all children in this world. However, in all honesty, any manual would (based off my experience!) be basically useless. In less than ten seconds after the birth of my son I quickly realized two things:

1) Any amount of instruction would be useless and

2) No two children on this planet could possibly be the same

For these two reasons I have quickly realized that I must all take it upon myself to learn how to be a good parent from the very basic levels. It is frustrating, and I have certainly had my moments of weakness, but as I found myself in tears recently – heaped on the bedroom floor, I also had a beautiful awakening. I CAN do this, and do it in a way that makes both myself and my son feel happy and loved and live a fulfilling life together. Discipline is one area that is the most difficult, in my opinion, as there is no “one size fits all” solution; as my son throws a tantrum or chooses to slap me for no apparent reason it’s natural to want to react, but HOW I react is crucial.

In recent months I have done a great deal of reading on this subject, trying to find a way to communicate with my 14 month old why it’s not ok to dramatically throw himself on the floor when he doesn’t get what he wants, or slap the boy next to him because he’s playing with a toy he wants. I don’t believe in spanking or physical punishment of any sort, and despite my quick temper I also do not believe in verbally reprimanding children out of anger. Love conquers all, and I am determined to show my son that I love him so much and am willing to go the distance to teach him right from wrong while holding his hand, not slapping it.

The word “discipline” alone has a negative connotation. I immediately make the connection discipline = spanking, yelling, reprimanding. I believe that the first step here is breaking away from that immediate word recognition, there are other types of discipline out there but I prefer the word “guiding”. Through my own actions, or guidance, I can show my son how to be happy, even if he can’t always get what he wants. There is an article I found recently that really stuck with me, it was a “discipline” (guidance) article that clearly states that all you need is LOVE (L – Look for the reason behind the behavior; O- Open your heart; V-Validate feelings; E-Explore solutions). The amazing thing about articles like this is that I’m able to apply the information to my life with a 14 month old, but I know that years down the road when my son is a teenager and is testing the limits in a whole new way, I can apply these same ideas then as well (brilliant!).

However, I’m all about the “here and now”, and there are three things that have helped me to maintain sanity recently:

Validation: No matter how dramatic, the screaming and crying is meaningful. Maybe I don’t necessarily agree with the reasoning, but the fact that my son is clearly distraught makes me equally as upset. I comfort him rather than get angry – buying that toy is not a matter of life or death, but at that particular moment it is all that matters to him.
Understanding: I am not going to purchase every item my child is drawn to each and every time we venture outside of the house. However, when he chooses to get upset about that all I can do is understand his point of view (which, at 14 months, really is focused on all the fun objects around him) and try to reason with him through love. I show him something else (rocks these days are not only free, but prove to be incredible tools for entertainment), entertain him with a fun game or song, and then we move forward – happy.
Learning: In my opinion, learning goes both ways. My son learns from my behavior (quickly, I might add), and I learn the simple joys in life by watching him. Maybe it’s in all of our best interest to place a little bit more importance on the little things in life, and learn to appreciate each moment for what it is. Those testing moments where my child wants to alert everyone in the entire state of Colorado that his mother refuses to let him play with the electrical outlets is natural, they are cool after all, but I can calmly tell him that they are dangerous, appreciate the fact that he is so amused by something formerly considered insignificant in my life, and learn together that there are alternative options available.

I’ve learned through my own research (along with a lengthy trial-and-error process) that discipline is a tough subject for many parents, and I don’t feel that is due to us really wishing to cause conflict between one another but rather because we are all doing the best we can as parents and trying our darndest to figure out the best way to guide our children. As I mentioned earlier, there is no one size fits all approach to parenting, but together we can share some funny stories along the way and watch our children grow up happy.

I am not a professional in this field, I have not done any studies or counseled others in the subject of positive parenting – all I know is what I feel and what I can do to impact the life I have with my son. Not everything works, and something that works today might not work tomorrow, but it’s all about the experiences that make up our life together, good and bad, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Finding quality information is sometimes a challenge, although I do have a “go-to” that hasn’t failed me yet when I’m in search of a new trick or tool, or simply looking for some words of encouragement. If you haven’t found yourself on this site yet, I would highly recommend www.positive-parents.org – this website has done an incredible job providing materials and resources for parents like myself seeking ways to positively and actively parent their children.

As a side note, I would like to extend a special “Thank You” to the amazing author of the Positive Parenting blog – you have inspired me in so many ways.

Hopefully, the experiences I have shared will shed some light and inspire you to consider a positive approach to your child’s next fit or scream session. Or, perhaps my story has made you smile – parenting is a journey, and it’s a wonderful thing to realize that you are not the only one facing such a dilemma.