With so many responses to “Dear Mom on the iPhone” zipping around the web these last few months, I figured that I should go see what all the huff (counter-huff and supportive-huff) was all about. Last November, a blogger named Tonya Ferguson, who writes her family blog 4littlefergusons, wrote a post that she title, “Dear Mom on the iPhone.” And all  was quiet for Ferguson, until it wasn’t anymore.

Ferguson shares later, after getting all the attention, that it was a hypothetical situation with a hypothetical mother. That she wrote to herself as much as she wrote it to any woman. She doesn’t explain this until after the fact, after garnering the attention and responses, but even that seems reasonable due to the unlikelihood that it would matter much to anyone but her then small readership. She blogs for herself and isn’t, or at least wasn’t, on the radar of other “mommy bloggers” until recently.

Here is a portion of Ferguson’s original “Dear Mom on the iPhone” first posted on November 14, 2012. Click here to go to the her post in full.

Dear Mom On the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone.  It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it?  You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl.  She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her hair.  She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!”  I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too.  His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing.  She loves it!  Cooing and smiling with every push.  You don’t see her though, do you?  Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her.  Tell her about the clouds, Mommy.  The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there.  I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

I had actually only heard of original post after reading Fried Okra’s (Megan Cobb) response piece that a friend shared on Facebook. I really liked Fried Okra’s letter to that attention-getting, but yet again, hypothetical mom on the iPhone.

Here is a portion of Fried Okra’s post, “Dear Mom on the iPhone, I get it.” Click here  to read the original post in full.

Dear Mom on the iPhone -

This morning at 6 AM I checked Facebook and saw a letter re-posted by a friend and addressed to you. As I lay there in the grey dawn, listening out for the sounds of my own two kids waking, I pictured your tiny girl spinning in her pretty dress as you completely ignored her, staring transfixed at your phone. What an image, right? An image I think was meant to bring you guilt and shame, written into a “kind” letter under the guise of giving you a gentle reminder that your kids won’t be small forever, and that if you don’t stop using your phone instead of focusing all of your attention on them, all of the time, they’re going to think your phone is more important than they are to you.

Listen, Mom on the iPhone, I’ve met you a million times. You’re my best friend, my sister, the other mom at the bus stop every morning, waving until the bus carrying our kids to school drives out of site. I see you everywhere I go, we smile knowingly over the heads of our kids in the grocery store check-out lane, and you struck up conversation with me at the mini-gym while we watched our 4-year-olds play together last weekend. I read your blogs and empathize with your Facebook posts and talk to you via text and Voxer. We get together for coffee so our boys can play together. We help out at classroom parties together and sit in the lobby of the dance studio while our daughters take ballet. I know you, hundreds of you, and I know your kids aren’t confused about their place in your life because you’re planning next week’s meals while they have some free time on the playground. Don’t buy into the shame and guilt, friend.

From our many interactions, Mom on the iPhone, I’ve seen that you’re smart, capable and resourceful as well as being loving and caring and giving where your family is concerned. So I trust you to know when you and your kids need to give one another your undivided attention, and when it’s okay for you to take a few minutes while they’re occupied to attend to one or two of the myriad of other things for which you’re responsible. I trust that you talk to and laugh with and teach and cuddle your kids enough that they know the difference between being neglected and being allowed a bit of independence to figure out they’re still important and valued even though your world, and the world at large, doesn’t always revolve around them. I trust that when you have doubts or worries or need advice, you use your resources to find answers and solutions to care for and protect your family. You’re an adult with adult responsibilities and you handle them well, Mom on the iPhone, so you’ve earned my respect.

You use your phone to do all the things our Moms did with paper and pens, stamps, recipe files, checkbooks, clocks, timers, typewriters, fax machines, calculators, calendars, phones with cords, newspapers, books, thermostats, televisions, radios, and cameras. Your phone helps you plan, manage and communicate with regard to your job, your household, your family’s schedule, in short, your life from the park. Or the library. Or the pool. Or your child’s hospital room. Or the commuter train. Or Disneyland. You have a phone because it makes you more portable and productive, and that’s beneficial in a hundred ways for you and your family. It’s funny – the author of that letter saw you with your phone and judged you to be “messing.” I wonder if she’d have bothered to write you a cautionary letter if instead of an iPhone, she’d seen you at the park with a video camera or a cookbook or a handwritten note from your mother? I’m willing to bet not. I wonder why your having that phone in your hand makes some people so uncomfortable? Why does a simple piece of technology give a stranger license to accuse you of being a selfish, too-busy, disengaged woman who’s threatening her children’s self-esteem and self worth? We both know that’s not who you are.

Who are you? I’ll tell you who you are.

You’re the mom with the critical project at work who is managing it from the park because the babysitter’s child came down with chicken pox.

You’re the mom, the dear friend of mine, who lives across the country from me but is as close to me as my own heartbeat thanks to our phones.

You’re the mom who is also my sister. Between the two of us we have seven kids, so we’ve both long given up the idea of truly meaningful phone conversations that aren’t interrupted constantly by the needs of our offspring.

And so, Mom on the iPhone, I say carry on. (And you too, Dad on the iPhone, although you seem to have escaped criticism again. And I wonder why that is?) You’re showing your kids how a person can love them fully, take good care of them, get them out and about on a beautiful day, while still being successful in other arenas and managing her other responsibilities, and even take a few minutes to do something that she simply enjoys, just for herself. You have my respect and support. Text me sometime and we’ll play Words with Friends while we wait in the carpool line.

With love and appreciation,

Me

So, there you go. Two different letters–a little of both sides and what overlaps between the two iphone’ing mothers. Honestly, I feel them both, and I can see myself in both.

I try to stay aware any time I am using my phone. Whether I am using my phone to run our home and financial worlds, or skyping with my best friend who lives on another continent while both of our babies nap, or when I am texting with my mom who learned to text in her 70s so she could receive near-daily photos of her grandbabies.

My phone keeps me connect in important ways and it also helps me get my work done quickly and while I am with my son, rather than leaving him with a sitter. I can zip off items to the accountant, transfer funds at the bank and reserve library books for an later pick-up all in 5 minutes flat. I can make quick edits for my clients and turn my work around fast and without being chained to my computer. I see myself actually freeing up time to be with my son by spending some quick, smart minutes on my phone.

And I absolutely use my phone for some “me time” during my day too, because who is anybody kidding, it is great for that. There is no doubt about it. I like to check out recipes while I am cooking, or to take a few minutes to learn how to prune my raspberries properly, or just to take a spin through Facebook for some quick social relief.

All of it is valuable in my book and none of it too much, until it is too much. And we all know when it is, so when we do, it’s time to get really honest with ourselves and straighten up our priorities. (I am taking about our real priorities. You know, the ones you are always answering to, regardless of what you may say your priorities are. Yup, those are our real priorities.)

If your phone use is something that you don’t feel good about, then make a change. If your use is cool? Then phone on, my mothering friends, phone on.

The title drew me in. “Publishers revel in youthful cruelty” is pretty catchy after all. I was curious why any one person or group would revel in anyone’s cruelty because likely there is a very real someone on the receiving end of it. The title, while catchy, doesn’t quite fit the bill.

The article is part book list and part statement on today’s culture, meets empathetic book authors who were once bullied themselves and are sharing their stories as a means of catharsis, as well as support for others who like themselves, suffer because of bullying.

It got me thinking about the bullying that I have been the target of over the years, as well as the times in my life when I was the bully, whether I was simply blowing it with a lack of skillfulness around my own emotions, or I was unaware of my impact of my actions until after the fact. Thank goodness that given the chance, we can so often make things right again.

It also got me thinking on the many examples that I am aware of where bullying and aggressiveness is rewarded in my world, big and small, near and far. If anyone wanted to, it would be easy to list to bullies who we see in the world, from politicians in all directions, entertainers, professional athletes, religious groups and even corporations. So many who unabashedly bully and intimidate others, often to great rewards such as fame, position and financial payout.

It is not just about harassment in the school yard any longer, not that it ever was if we are to look honestly at the world around us. Children and adults alike are subjects of bullying at school and work, over social media or even through very own phones.

I appreciate the book list offered up in this article, especially as it may also offer up a helpful resource to someone who may be struggling personally with bullying, or to someone who is looking to help someone who is. From the self-help authors who chronicle their own personal struggles with bullying and now offer their seasoned advice, to those authors who channeled their personal struggles into fiction that rings true for so many. The anti-bullying book business is booming today and there are very good reasons as to why.

You can link to the original article through the title.

Publishers Revel in Youthful Cruelty

by Leslie Kaufman, published New York Times, March 26, 2013

Nobody likes a bully — but these days the book industry loves having them to kick around. Antibullying books have become numerous enough to constitute their own profitable genre.

Publishing houses are flooding the market with titles that tackle bullying. The books are aimed at all age groups — from “Bully,” a picture book for elementary-grade students, to the“The Bully Book,” for middle school children, about an average kid who suddenly becomes everyone’s favorite victim, to “Sticks and Stones” by Emily Bazelon, a recent release for adults that includes both stories and analysis. According to World Cat, a catalog of library collections worldwide, the number of English-language books tagged with the key word “bullying” in 2012 was 1,891, an increase of 500 in a decade.

There are even more to come, said Elizabeth Bird, who tracks coming books and trends for youth collections at the New York Public Library. “Bullying has always been a popular topic, but this year we are seeing bullying titles coming out as never before, and there is no end in sight.”

The publishing world’s preoccupation with bullies does not end at the bookshelf. Several publishing houses, including Random House, Simon & Schuster and even Harlequin, have started antibullying campaigns built around their books. Authors have taken action on their own as well. Two young-adult authors, Megan Kelley Hall and Carrie Jones, assembled an anthology of personal essays, called “Dear Bully: 70 Authors Tell Their Stories,” (HarperTeen 2011) by prominent writers like R. L. Stine, with a portion of the proceeds going to charity.

Ms. Hall and Ms. Jones also came together to form and maintain a Facebook site called Young Adult Authors Against Bullying that identifies cruel Facebook pages and lobbies to have them taken down.

Bullying has become such a common topic for authors that in October there will be a conference in Missouri for authors of books on the subject. There is space for only 300 participants but already 80 have signed up to attend.

The surge in antibullying books reflects the broader cultural alarm about the problem, spurred in part by several high-profile cases of cyberbullying that resulted in suicides.

The White House held its first conference on bullying prevention in 2011. In response to government cues, libraries, schools and even bookstores like Barnes & Noble, the nation’s largest retail book chain, have been holding events to talk about the problem and provide help for parents and children. Those resources often come at least in part in the form of books and lectures by authors.

For publishers and authors it has been hard to miss the perfect synergy that results: They can promote a cause that most people avidly support while promoting their own products.

“The intention is service, to help the teachers and librarians who are looking for resources,” said Michelle Fadlalla, director of education and library marketing for Simon & Schuster, which published the early antibullying success “The Misfits” in 2003 and this year published “Justin and the Bully” by the former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy. “At the same time it is definitely an opportunity for us to gather sales because it is such a hot topic.”

A case in point is “Wonder” by R. J. Palacio, a book about a boy with facial deformities that came out last year and is No. 1 on the New York Times children’s middle-grade best-seller list, with more than 350,000 copies. Although it was not written as an antibullying book, many teachers and librarians began assigning it that way to students. The publisher, Random House Children’s Books, saw an opportunity and created a “Choose Kind” campaign based on sentiments expressed in the book, in which individuals or classrooms can pledge to do acts of kindness.

The book’s message of tolerance and empathy is so popular that this year both Fairfield, Conn., and Santa Monica, Calif., chose “Wonder” for their communitywide reading initiatives.

Marketing opportunities do not completely explain the boom in the number of titles, however. Heather Brewer, the author of “The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod” vampire series, about being an outsider, said that bullying strikes a common chord with many authors.

“There is a certain personality to being a writer, a quirky introverted type maybe not as socially adept, and they tend to be picked on a little bit more than others,” she said in an interview.

Ms. Brewer is organizing the antibullying writers’ conference in October in part because she was a victim herself when she was growing up in Columbiaville, Mich. “I would have books knocked out of my hand,” she said. “I would be pinched and shoved. So letting people know about the dangers of bullying is important to me.”

Ms. Hall, who collaborated on the “Dear Bully” anthology after Phoebe Prince, a bullied high schooler from South Hadley, Mass., committed suicide in 2010, said she had to turn away authors who wanted to be included in the collection.

“A lot of the authors say books saved their lives during those difficult teen years,” Ms. Hall said. And authors, in turn, can be fiercely protective of their vulnerable, bookish readers. “They know that their fan base is people like them,” she said, “people who consider reading as a refuge. We want to be there for teens to let them know it will get better.”

Surviving a meanspirited peer is an age-old element of young-adult literature of course. But the context has changed, said Gillian Engberg, an editor at Booklist magazine, a publication of the American Library Association. Instead of being a rite of passage that must be endured or to be overcome, it is now analyzed in a much more psychological way. Some books, like “Leverage,” which depicts the rape of a male high-school gymnast by three football players, are graphic and decline to offer happy endings.

Several books now include the perspective of not just the victim but also of the bully, bystanders and even the adults who enable or ignore the behavior. “There is a nuanced approach,” Ms. Engberg said. “We are seeing more and more of these books that take on all of these perspectives.”

Jay Asher, the author of the best-selling novel “Thirteen Reasons Why” (2007), about a girl who sends tapes to people explaining their roles in her decision to take her own life, said the biggest difference for books about bullying now is the level of adult concern about the issue.

He said he is now asked to speak at schools three or four times a month, as well as to adult groups. What’s more he is often asked to speak in conjunction with others, like representatives from suicide-prevention help lines. Mr. Asher, 37, said he sees a real change from the time when he was growing up.

“What is different now is that adults really take this stuff seriously,” he said, “and they don’t want to turn their backs.”

I cuss. I do. I have wanted to write this post for a while, but honestly I am embarrassed that I use some coarse language on an almost daily basis. I didn’t grow up in a home where cursing was a regular occurrence. In fact, it was rarely heard, even though many a situation could have justified it. Based on my memory, my mother rarely used a swear word that I know of, and my father was the same. I remember my dad “dropping the f-bomb” maybe 2 or 3 times ever in my whole life and it only flew immediately after banging his thumb with a hammer, or something equally painful or blood boiling.

The best I can do to retrace my start with cursing is back to the many years I worked in the restaurant business and then again during my stint as a long-haul trucker (only one of these occupations is true) to put myself through college. Since then, I have tried to clean up my language, once going so far as to give up swearing for Lent, but as God as my witness, I broke out in shingles at the same time as I tried to quit cursing. All my unspoken cusses manifesting themselves as tiny, painful sores across my midsection. I took it as a sign. A sign from something or someone bigger than myself that my cursing actually did good in the world and that I should go forth among the people…kinda sorta.

It could be said that I take a certain amount of quiet pleasure in lacing together a particularly colorful thread of profanity. I like words of all ilk. Maybe it’s a talent I was born with, maybe it is all the practice, but whatever the reasons, and whenever it took hold, I’ve got a potty mouth. I also have a toddler now and this family ain’t big enough for the both of them. In fact one of my mom-friends, who has a teenage daughter, told me that if my boy brought any colorful language to school or to play groups, that other parents would be pretty darn unhappy with me. And at a recent parent-teacher conference, I had another friend who was confronted by her son’s teacher for his heavy usage of the word, “crap” to which I replied to her, “Crap is a bad word?”

I should add, because my own mother is likely to read this and because it is the truth, that I only really cuss in cuss-friendly company and I don’t fly my swearing all loud and proud in public. I personally dislike overhearing strangers swear around me. My ears actually choke on public profanity. I also turn it to mute it when I am around my sweet boy, taking the “GOD BLESS AMERICA” or “Holy Fritz” route, which are two of my mom’s favorites. Sometimes I mess up, either by calling something “stupid” or worse, letting something a little more stiff slip. When I do, I catch myself quickly, throw up a diversion (“Hey look at that pony!”) and promise to do better.

I might have a long way to go, and I might not ever have entirely unblemished  language again, but I figure getting creative would help me make the transition to side of the righteous that much easier. No cold turkey, no quarters in the jar, but focusing my efforts on using creative and equally satisfying words that I would be happy to have come tumbling out my son’s angelic little head.

So here goes nothing. I’ll lead with some family favorites and toss in others as they come to me from friends or desperate times, but you will find that with the right emphasis and enthusiasm, pretty much anything will do the trick.

Son of a Biscuit Eater!  Bull Pucky!  Holy Fritz!  Cheese and Rice!  Judas Priest! Dangnabit! Malarkey!  Porkchop!  Fudgesicle!  Mother Trucker!  GAL durnit!  Squash Monkey! Cheesus Chrysler drives a Dodge!  Holy To-ledo!  Sugar Snaps!  Jumped-up Judas on a Pogo Stick!  Shut the Front Door!  Nuts!  Shiitake!  Crab Bass!  Holy Cheese! Snit Cakes!  Cheesy Weasels!  Pizzle Fits!  Grass Monkey!  Holy Moly! Jeez O Petes!  Mother Father!  Frackity Frack!  Oh Shneikes!  Fungoola!  Peanut Butter!  Shakalaka!  Road Apples!  Son of a Gun! Chicken Dirt!  Zippity Do Dah!  Onomatopoeia!  Jimmy Cracked Corn!

]]> http://www.bobafamily.com/blog/2013/02/17/mom-has-a-potty-mouth-it-is-time-to-own-up/feed/ 1 http://www.bobafamily.com/blog/2013/02/03/traveling-family-interview-meet-the-hibbles/ http://www.bobafamily.com/blog/2013/02/03/traveling-family-interview-meet-the-hibbles/#comments Sun, 03 Feb 2013 19:00:05 +0000 Nichole http://www.bobafamily.com/?p=13264 ...read more >]]>  

I am pleased to introduce the Hibble family: Geoff and Robin, along with their children, Connor, Ethan and Stella. The Hibbles are the next family to be featured in our series of Traveling Family interviews. Having just completed a year of RV travel throughout the USA and Canada, they have just begun another year of homesteading and travel in Australia, Geoff’s home country. You can follow their on-the-road adventures in their blog, Switching Gears.

Here is the interview that Robin Hibble did with Boba Family in January 2013, just after landing in Australia, and at the start of their second consecutive year of traveling together. Get ready to be inspired while also learning some tricks that have helped this family live out their dreams. Please enjoy!

1. Was there a defining moment (or moments) in your pre-trip lives when you and your family realized that long-term travel would serve your highest goals for your life?

A few months prior to our departure, while parked in a cul-de-sac, my husband, Geoff and I were having a fairly common discussion which included topics like, “We are not getting ahead; Life is stagnant; Work has lacked excitement and vigor for years for years now; 4 more years and our oldest son, Connor leaves for college – the beginning of his own life apart from us; If we are going to break the cycle, change it up, expand the experiences, then it is now or never [at least for us with Connor].

2. Why do you think so many families think a traveling lifestyle is out of reach for them?

We would break this into a few reasons.

F.U.D. – Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt of course play a huge role in this.  I think it is difficult for a lot of people to comprehend and except that one is going to pile his family into a vehicle and travel aimlessly around the country and “all will be ok”.   I think all the “What ifs” flood the mind and it mentally becomes exhausting trying to figure out what one would do to pre-solve all of the “what ifs”.

Cost -  “How can I afford to quit my job and pay all the expenses of travel for a whole year?  The mortgage, the bills, on top of travel expenses…”

Relationships – The thought of leaving one’s family and friends can be emotionally heart wrenching.  I am sure the thought of being cooped up with immediate family members is just hard to contemplate too. In addition, the thought of leaving clubs, sports, traditional life and other roles and responsibilities is difficult for many.

Career – We believe there is a strong thought that if you leave your job and travel for a year you will loose your spot in the “Career” you have been building.  And that you might disappoint the business or people you have been working for.

However, I will also reserve that a traveling lifestyle is just not for everyone.  There are people that outwardly state that they just prefer to stay still, not travel, not be cooped up, and despite being happy for us it is just not something they want to do.  Most found it very inspirational too.

3. Opening yourself up to travel means opening yourself up to the unexpected. Please share one unexpected reward and one unexpected challenge that you and your family have met in your many years together on the road. How have each added richness of your travels and your lives?

One unexpected reward is the immensity of the family bonding that occurs when you travel as a lifestyle.  We had been on plenty of vacations, but there is nothing like living in a confined space and seeing amazing things every few days. The boys, Connor (15) Ethan (11), due to age & interests, had quite different lifestyles when living at home. They rarely spent time together.  Our traveling lifestyle, since they only had each other, grew to a much stronger “brotherhood.”

The unexpected challenge was the lack of personal space and the dynamics that it imposes.  Living shoulder to shoulder with no escape means rebuilding you expectation, tolerance, judgement, and response systems.  You just can’t have it your way, you have it have it “everyone’s” way if you are going to co-exist.  Ultimately though, this has made us all far better people and definitely contributed back to the family bonding.

4. Many families begin preparing for long-term travel by selling off their homes and possessions. You and your family went another route; please share with our readers what your master plan was and how it has paid of in spades.  

A personal bias here, we think selling a bunch of your personal possessions is a great idea.  Lightening the load, as we call it, be it commitments, possessions, financial responsibilities, etc. is all very liberating!  It is often difficult to let go of personal possessions but “less is more” in all sense of the word in our opinion so do it.  We decided that we needed to “downsize” the volume of clutter in our life, so we did a full review and purge of everything on our whole property.  Things either went a) to the motor home b) to craigslist c) to the curb d) Good Will, e) to the waste bin or f) to the shed (our version of a storage unit).  I’d recommend starting this process with the shed.

But from the very start we knew we never wanted to sell our home.  We committed to be on the road for one year and we equally looked forward to moving back into our home at the end of the trip.  We could not afford to pay the mortgage and leave it empty so we had two choices if we were going to keep our house: long term rental or short term rental (vacation rental). Long term has the attraction you don’t need to “manage” the property on a day-to-day basis and a lot lower risk in the sense you can expect a monthly rent deposit.  Short term has the attraction of potentially higher rental income, plus but it comes at a huge cost.   You have to leave the house furnished (accepting it may be damaged), you have a rolling set of customers you have to please, you have to pay the difference between the rents and mortgage on slow months, your home needs to be in a location supportive of short term/vacation rental, and you or someone else needs to “manage” the property on a day to day basis.  For us, it worked best to doVRBO (Vacation Rentals By Owner). I then staged, setting up, and managing the property whilst we traveled.  We were never fully covered our monthly home expenses but we were able to come close.

5. What is the one thing that you would share with other parents who are wanting to make this leap with their own families?

Reach out to multiple families who have done this and draw upon their experiences and suggestions.  Ultimately everyone does it a little bit differently, none right or wrong, but the experience they share might enable you to significantly enhance your own experience (both in preparing and on the road), and keep “F.U.D” at bay too!

Covering much more than the subtitle lets on, the book actually begins before the first year. It touching on the planning and preparing for your upcoming birth, making it a great read for mothers-to-be, whether it’s your first pregnancy or not. And the charming introduction offers the lens from which to read the book, with Massaro and Katz sharing their sole purpose for writing this new mama guide, and that is to “bring to life an often-forgotten truth: a mother’s instinct is the best resource she has to crease a joyful and connected relationship with her baby.”

Their hope is to empower every mother to gently and committedly to do their own “gut check” with all that is offered to them as new mothers, whether through cultural “wisdoms,” ideas that are pounded through the media, or even “experts” to whom we look to for help and information.

Massaro and Katz speak to what so many mothers are seeing and feeling today, and that is that “Motherhood has been targeted by advertisers, and bombarded by opinions masquerading as medical necessities.” Their intention behind writing this book is to help mothers reclaim a simpler, more connected first year with their babies based on a mother’s own heart of true joy and relationship.

In The Other Baby Book, you will learn the “whys” behind so many tried-and-true mothering wisdoms, like the incredible healing and protective qualities of vernix (the waxy, cheesy coasting your baby is born with) and why waiting to bathe your newly born baby allows your little one to take full advantage of nature’s perfect plan for immunity.

You will also learn the science behind the magic of touch and physical contact that benefits not just your baby, but mothers as well. Highlighted in the chapter on Touch, is a terrific section on babywearing, which is what Boba Family is all about. Massaro and Katz offer up what stats on what generations of mothers already know; that your baby cries less when held close to you throughout the day, whether by babywearing and carrying. Boba founder and babywearing educator, Elizabeth Antunovic shares with readers how babies and mothers benefit physiologically, psychological and emotionally from babywearing. Antunovic, also a mother of four, details the benefits of upright babycarrying in the book with this,

“With a baby upright on his mother’s body, mom adjusts to all her baby’s movement, and he to hers, moving like perfect dance partners. Constant feedback from his skin and the fluid in his inner ear help the baby understand space, and his place in it. A baby’s muscles become stronger as they respond the varied movements of mom’s body and the force of gravity.

Its no surprise that babies carried upright scored higher on both motor and mental tests in the first of life. The rich environment worked the babies’ neural pathways.

Carrying a baby upright on your chest regulates his autonomic system. Studies have shown that a baby’s heart rate stabilizes, his body temperature regulates, he transitions more easily from one sleep state to another, and actually sleeps longer. His breathing becomes steady, he has less chance of apnea, and oxygenation of his body increases. While on his mother’s chest, his systems are kept at a regular tempo. When apart from his mother, a baby works twice as hard to maintain physiological harmony.

A mother can trust her intuition. By holding her baby close to her heart, she uses the most physiologically beneficial method of carrying her baby, proving the optimal environment for her baby’s psychological and emotional growth.”

Massaro and Katz have written the book that was missing from our bedside tables, by accurately covering a mother and baby’s first year together with practicality, kindness and humor. And all the big first-year questions are covered, from breastfeeding and introducing solids, to diapering and EC, but most importantly, how to build your trust in yourself and your mothering wisdom as the authority for your family. I love that this book is in the world and being shared. Taken in and taken to heart, it will go far in supporting the growing, world-wide movement to heal birth and our families, beginning as it should with the mother-child relationship.

In preparation for my birth, I got reacquainted with the practice of using positive affirmations.  I began journaling later in my pregnancy, and within those pages, I wrote messages to my unborn child that will be shared with him when he gets a bit older (he is not quite two now).  I also tucked beautiful images into its pages, along with leaves, flower petals and photos of me with my family and in my favorite places. I watched for things around me that created more peace and more confidence within in me and I created affirmations from these. I jotted down bits of lyrics, gems from my conversations with friends, guidance from our midwife and most especially, insights from my own experience of myself during the bloom of my first pregnancy.

Affirmations helped me to ground my mind when I felt any fleeting fear and uncertainty come up and they also strengthened my confidence when I was feeling strong and absolutely capable of laboring and birthing my child into the world on our own terms. As my women friends are becoming mothers themselves, some for the first time, some for the fourth, I continue to use affirmations in my daily life, but I now extended this practice to include my friends in their pregnancies, their births ahead of them.

I was cozied up with my little one today, sharing a snuggly afternoon nurse and watching the leaves fall from the trees outside when I began thinking of our dear friend who is newly pregnant and who is over-the-moon excited about this new life within her. I was reflecting back to my favorite affirmations from my own pregnancy and offered a few up to bless her way ahead. And then it got me thinking, what if all of us who care deeply about birth used birth-positive affirmations not just for ourselves and our family and friends, but offered them up with our most sincere intentions for every woman, every child, for every birth. I feel like so much is possible for us all in our births and in the healing of our collective experience of birth. I also know that my intentional  practice of encouraging positivity in my own mind and body during my pregnancy (here are some ways that I did this) served me well throughout the pregnancy, but especially during our birth and now as a mother. I also know how much goodness I feel in my own self when I bless another mother’s way with my prayers and loving support—it feels really wonderful to be part of it all!

So, let’s give it a go together! Let’s all lend some heart to a subtle, yet irrepressible shift toward healing birth by beginning with our own thoughts and emotions surrounding birth. I hope that you will join me in me in offering up affirmations with heart-held intentions to benefit everyone around us—men, women and children. We must all be included and touched in order to heal our collective idea of labor and birth.

Here is a list to start us off in our work together. Please use the ones that hold the most significance to you and that touch your heart. Add your favorites, say them out loud, speak them silently inside your mind, write them down and read them often, share them with others, share them with everyone. Let’s do it, let’s create more birth goodness in the world one thought, one mind at time, beginning with our own.

“Remember this, for it is as true and true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body.”

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth: Updated With New Material

My heart and body know exactly what my baby needs, my mind is learning.

I am a powerful, loving and creative being.

My pelvis releases and opens as have those of countless women before me.

Good strong contractions help my baby come into the world.

My body contains all the knowledge necessary to safely birth my baby.

My baby knows how and when to be born.

Birth is a safe and sacred experience.

My baby will be born healthy and at the perfect time.

I am a strong and capable woman.

I am a powerful, loving and creative being.

I am willing to meet myself with kindness in all that may arise.

I accept this labor as my labor and believe it is the right one for me and for my baby.

I feel the love of those around me.

I proudly step forward and take my place within the collective of motherhood.

•

I recently wrote a post about going expat. I recently gave birth to my first child living here in Chile with my Chilean partner. It’s magical, and it’s hard. My post mostly focused on the positive side of things, the how-to’s, etc. Today, I took a little photo tour of my friends’ children’s Halloween costumes and the nostalgia for the States sent my mind into the land of expat doubt. So, I’ve set out to create a list to share with you of the pros and cons of going expat and starting or taking a family abroad.

The PROS of Going Expat

Bilingual Bones – I believe raising children in two languages will offer them big advantages in the world. Where we are, speaking fluent English is a big plus in most professional situations. Anywhere else in the world, their bilingual abilities will be a plus, too, especially in the way it can keep them open to different points of view. There are a lot of cultural beliefs inherent in language (in English we say “I am hungry” and in Spanish we say “I have hunger”, for example). Have a broader, more diverse collection of these beliefs in their bones may make them more compassionate, open-minded human beings *mommy crosses fingers*.

Stretchy Dollars – Because I live in a country where the US dollar goes a bit further than it does in the US, and I’ve opted to work part-time freelance for US companies, I can do more with less. This means have more free time to spend with my family and can more easily afford a relaxed lifestyle I like (nothing extravagant, mind you). This is a very attractive PRO!

Freedom to Be Odd – Because I’m a U.S. Citizen and wasn’t brought up here, people give me a little more leeway to be unique. My parenting style is a bit foreign here, an my beliefs, such as my belief in freedom-minded child-led education, is a bit more accepted. I’m also a little bit exempt from the class-ism that is pervasive in Chile. Being outside the culture (though markedly a CON in my status as an outsider, too) gives me a bit of an excuse to be the babywearing, gentle parenting, crunchy mom that I am and I can just say, “Well, that’s my culture.” (My previous 12 years in crunchy capital (People’s Republic of) Boulder, Colorado justify this, of course.) Lastly, the feeling of being able to do anything can be with us anywhere, but for some reason can be more easily to access far away from home.

Unusual Friends – If like attracts like and being abroad makes me a stranger in a strange land, it goes to reason that strange folk will flock to me, and I to them. True if by strange you mean other travel-hungry expats and locals who like things out-of-the-mold. I’ve encountered all sorts of kindness and made really beautiful connections with people the likes of which I may not otherwise spend time with in the States. A mutual love for this place or some simple commonality like a love of singing or such is enough to cement friendship with new, unusual people far away from all my other friends. It’s a nice PRO.

The CONS of Going Expat

Missing Familiar Holidays – Familiar as in “family”. If you’re nostalgic like me, the first year of missed family and friend holidays (yes, even Halloween) may not seem like a big deal. Year two has me regretting not being able to share things like the big extended family Thanksgiving I grew up with. And sure, some holidays are the same where I live, like Christmas and Easter, but they are celebrated a bit differently and no matter what, my brothers and sister and nieces and mom and all aren’t here to share them with anyway. Missing out on this and the prospect of missing out on it long-term is a major expat living CON.

Strangerhood – I’m working on my Spanish every day in some way and have hope that over time a lot of Chilean cultural assumptions and idiosyncrasies will be made more clear to me. I’ll fit in a bit more over time, and will continue to do so. However, I’ll always be “the gringa”, will always talk with an accent and will never fully comprehend the rapid-fire Spanish of my in-laws, or the parents of my children’s friends. Let’s face it, I’ll always be a bit a bit of an outsider, a stranger and that’s a big expat CON, children or no.

Expensive Family Reunions – Flying from where I live to visit my family stateside will cost our family thousands of dollars in transport alone. Via my lower cost of living PRO, having that kind of money is a challenge, so limited trips to see the gringo grandparents is a serious expat CON for me and for them.

Paperwork – Like any foreign national living outside their country, there is a lot of red tape to deal with. I have to file for Visa’s, get my kids dual citizenship papers, maneuver the never-clear waters of Latin bureaucrat and I have to pay well for it all in time and money. This sort of never ends, though I hear that after a few years it does get easier.

Unfulfilled Cravings – Though you’d think some foods would be universal and available everywhere, it is surprising how many little things I love to eat back home that I just can’t get here or are so expensive they’re a ridiculous splurge. Reese’s peanut butter cups, natural peanut butter, pecans, and real maple syrup top off my list. Most recently I watched an online thread for local expats blow up over an orange (Halloween) pumpkin sighting. Chile also does not have kale (but “someone” I know smuggled kale seeds into the country last year to fix that, so I’ll soon be taking this off my list!)

Not Finding Pants – Or shoes. That fit. Well, this is different for all of us of course, but even the slender and petite among my “gringa” friends in Chile bemoan the clothing shopping options here. I imagine it is similar around the world; that clothing sizes and offerings vary greatly. Like the food issues, this is of course not a very important item to consider, I suppose, but a constant inability to easily update your wardrobe or replace a ripped pair of pants, etc. can takes its toll after a while as the cumulative effect of unfulfilled desires is a contributing factor in cases of expat depression.

More Family Expat Resources

If you are reading this with a real hankering for expat life, I’d also suggest you check out some of these expat blog resources for starters, to get a better feel for others’ experiences in general and specific to your desired local:

Expat Women Blog Directory

Matador Abroad’s Top 20 Expat Blogs

Blog Expat Portal

Five Considerations When Moving Abroad with Children

So, the short of it is that while answering the question of whether or not to go expat is no simple math equation, knowing what’s important to you in life will likely give you your clear yes or no (if it’s a maybe, it’s probably a no). Good luck and good traveling!

This morning, I awoke to my nearly 16-week-old little girl scooting closer and nuzzling in for her morning wake-up nurse. A couple hours later, we settled into the rocking chair for a nice, long mid-morning feeding cuddle. This afternoon, we nursed and napped. Tonight, we will nurse to sleep. It is beautiful and precious to enjoy my daughter so much, to watch her growing up before my eyes and to see the sweet little parts of her character emerging, especially while we nurse. We have a beautiful nursing relationship. It is, however, marked with sadness. Let me back up a bit and start from the “sort of” beginning.

I believe in breastfeeding, deeply. I know in my head and heart that its benefits far surpass any other way of feeding our babies for reasons of nutrition, overall health and emotional well-being.  I have read three books and countless articles on breastfeeding.  I have a bunch of amazing mama friends and online comrades who are passionate about bf-ing and are inspiring examples to me of extended nursing (an example I am set on following if possible). I had an uncomplicated homebirth and my little one went right to my breast, staying skin-to-skin for hours, then days. I have a lactation consultant. I fed on-demand without question. I did everything “right” (well, maybe, but more on that a little later down). However, after three months of a rough road, I am still supplementing with formula. Where before I assumed it was easy to breastfeed, now I see more clearly just how hard it can be for some mothers. I obviously am one of them.

I debated waiting to write this post until after we were completely on the other side of our breastfeeding challenges, back to 100% unrestricted breastfeeding and completely off the supplemental formula we began using when she was just two weeks old. However, I realized that this path, the journey, is the point and in my journey as a breastfeeding mother with breastfeeding challenges, I have much to learn and perhaps a little to share. So I write from this place of vulnerability and hope, day-to-day struggles and day-by-day triumphs. Also, the truth is that we may never “get back” to breastmilk-only.

The reasons why we are where we are, supplementing about 50% of our feedings with formula, weave through three and a half months of trying, trying, trying (and crying, crying, crying, I may add). Taking a quick glance back, the reasons include slow-to-no weight gain after two weeks, newborn jaundice, small mouth with “lazy” sucking, i.e started good, tired out fast, I had lots of milk at first, then quick decline, and now in a day-to-day effort to keep my supply up via just about all the known galactagogue herbs, homeopathic remedies, lots of water and broths, pumping, insistent latch awareness, frequent feedings, nurse-ins, visualizations, breast massage and following every wive’s tale my partner’s Chilean grandmothers have thrown my way (including drinking lots of milk, thank you Grandmother Manoca!). I spend a lot of time every day working on my supply. If you think you have an idea for me, I’ve probably tried it (but feel free in your suggesting, really). The only thing I haven’t done is take prescription drugs (I still might).

Maybe my low supply stemmed directly from my daughter’s poor sucking and us falling into a slippery-slope supplementing strategy. Maybe I would have had a low supply anyway due to stress or hormonal issues (or both). I’ll never know. But here’s what I’ve humbly learned: I happens. It happens a lot more than we’re led to believe, a lot more then I would have guessed perusing my usual online lactivist haunts. In my search to find physical and emotional support online, I’ve started running across many stories of other mothers struggling with not being able to nurse their babies exclusively, though their hearts were set on it and they’ve tried everything. Some of them can’t nurse at all. It seems that among low-to-no supply mothers, I’m one of the lucky ones.

Finding a couple of awesome online resources filled with heart-warming (and heart-wrenching) stories from moms wanting so badly to nurse their little ones has been a real heart saver for me. Among the sites I’ve found, the best is by far Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues (MOBI) International. The night I found that site, I read and read and read, and cried my heart out. Finally, stories that were like my own; finally a sense of being a true part of the breastfeeding community. It gave me hope; hope that I may still be able to increase my supply, yes, but also hope that I wouldn’t feel like I was a failure forever, or that I was missing all this precious time with my daughter while I was worrying about whether or not the next feeding at my breast would give her enough. Still, it continues to be hard.

Not breastfeeding exclusively has been a real heartbreaker for me. I’ve felt grief and guilt, frustration and shame, … not because I’m worried that all the bf-ing mamas I love and respect will think badly of me, not at all. It’s because I really do know what is best for my baby and I can’t give it to her. I’ve read the stats on formula-related health problems. I mix the powder and feel no life in the food other than the prayers I put into it and its promise of weight gain (I live in Chile where there are no breastmilk banks.). I long to sweep her antsy “neh-neh”-ing sweetness up into my arms and feed her from my breast until she is full-up, whenever she wants or needs it, wherever we are. I wish for just one breastfeeding session where neither she nor I get nervous because the milk isn’t flowing.

But that’s not what I have. What I have is a nursing relationship with my baby that looks differently then I expected. It’s a nursing relationship marked with difficulty, yes, but with great joy, too. When I remember that I have my daughter at my breast, that we nurse and make sweet eye contact and talk to each other, that she is getting so much goodness and love here with me in those moments, even if a lot of the milk she is swallowing comes from a little bottle around my neck through a tube to her mouth (we use the Medela SNS), I relax and enjoy. When I remember I am lucky for all that we have, I relax and enjoy. I say little prayers for the mothers and babies less fortunate than us, and relax and enjoy. When I remember that these moments right here are worth my total non-worried, non-regretting attention, that stroking her fingers and feet, her sweet head, her back, and gazing into her eyes give us both so much goodness, I smile and relax and enjoy.

I do. But, still for the sake of any mother reading that may be saved the extent of our struggle (and the physical and emotional exhaustion it brings), here are the things I would have done differently:

Dealt with the jaundice immediately to reduce fatique. I was so adament about protecting our home nest and her sweet adjustment period, it didn’t seem like an option to consider an in-hospital jaundice treatment. I trusted what I read about newborns processing their jaundice in a week or two and it being normal. If I have the chance again, I’ll get right to a light box (or blanket).

Breathed longer before buying formula. “Feed the baby” – that is the number one rule of lactation advice right? Of course it is, and of course it was my priority. However, in our panic of realizing she wasn’t gaining enough weight, we didn’t even try to pump and supplement with breastmilk first. Knowing that I DID have milk, I’d have at least tried that for a few days with a really good pump.

Taken the plunge with a hospital-grade pump. I would have spent the $100 or more for a month with the best pump I could have found to fortify, extract and deliver my milk. Period. Not realizing how important it was until much later, I opted for the first pump I could find easily (a manual Madela), then later an okay double electric.

Gotten a second opinion on my baby’s feeding. I love our LC, and she is a friend, but I would have found the most notable expert to examine her mouth, watch us feed, and rule out or address every baby-related or positioning issue. I would have demanded she be as nit-picky and heavy-handed as possible with our technique.

Been firmer about my boundaries. The early bf-ing relationship is so important and fragile, and now knowing the roll stress can play in production reduction, I wish I had not let all the well-meaning people into my home and bedroom whom I knew would stress me out with all their advice and off-handed comments (one grandmother said to me plainly and forcefully, “You have no milk, get a bottle.”). Never. Again.

Taken each day at a time and remembered to enjoy each and every feeding. In the whirlwind of worry and stress, and in the shadow of grief and failure, I let my mind spin too much into the what-if’s and how-come’s and whoa-is-me’s too much. I would have reached out for more support sooner so that I could relish it all more. I’m doing that a lot better now, though it’s still hard sometimes.

Of course, I’m continuing to work on my supply and still have hope that we’ll get it up enough to wean from formula. But, I’ll finish by saying that above all, knowing that I’m not alone (my friends back home have been so supportive and loving, my partner here a major ally) has been a huge help. And knowing that no matter what, I do and will continue to give my little girl all the love and nourishing affection I can give her, no matter what milk I can provide, I know she’s getting the very best from me she can get. That’s my job, right? I’m her mother… and I’m the best mother I can be.

~ Heather

**********

Here is a list of the sites that helped me the most to address my breastfeeding challenges:

• kellymom.com
• mobimotherhood.org
• lowmilksupply.org
• www.nbci.ca

You may also enjoy reading another perspective on breastfeeding challenges in the Boba post How One Mother Practices Attachment Parenting While Bottle Feeding.

For my husband and me, it is great to be home for long stretches of time, but it is also terrific to have a trip on the horizon. We began traveling together in 2005 on our honeymoon. We circled the globe, hitting 18 countries and four continents in less than six months. As a boy, my husband traveled quite a bit with his family due to his father’s work as a research scientist; while I was rooted to an equally wonderful childhood, growing up on a 500-acre working farm in Michigan. The nature of farms and it’s high demands meant that my family took few vacations when I was growing up and lengthy international travel was out of the question. I got my first passport for our honeymoon and I was transformed by my first travels. I became deeply, irreversibly connected to the nomadic side of myself.

My sweetheart and I made a pledge that we would do our very best to leave the country at least once a year for the rest of our lives. And so far, we have. We have planned our travels to accommodate the changes in our lives—traveling to Colombia during my second trimester of pregnancy before heading home to get nesty and prepare for the birth of our son. The next year, we traveled to the Mexican central highlands to celebrate my birthday and our son’s first. This year, we head to Guatemala to celebrate our birthdays again.

It has been almost a year since we last packed our bags, and while the homesteader in me is glad for the chance to garden and to live the easy life at home close to family and friends, the gypsy in me aches for unfamiliar people and far away lands. Here are few ways that my family and I keep our family’s travel spark alive and burning between trips, or at least until the next tickets are booked.

1. The Visual Traveler
We get the colors and sights of our favorite far-away places through travel documentaries, movies and YouTube videos that have been shared by other travelers. Our favorite countries to travel to are India, Mexico, Turkey and Tibet, so we look for everything and anything featuring these countries. The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) and the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) have produced some terrific travel documentaries and series, like the Story of India hosted by Michael Woods and Himalaya hosted by Michael Palin.

For localized fixes, or special spots off the beaten path, search for videos that fellow travelers may have shared on YouTube. The odds are good that what you are looking for will have been shared here by others who have been to the same area. As an example, there is a wonderful foot bridge in Rishikesh, North India, that I absolutely love and when I need a peek at the happy hullabaloo of passing cows, tourists and saris, I go to YouTube and search out Laxman Jhula bridge. Search out your own favorites when you need a mini-trip.

2. Books
There are so many incredible books ranging from travel memoirs and historical fiction, to spiritual and religious routes and pilgrimages. Check out your local library and book sellers to soak up these printed adventures. For women who dream of traveling there is a wonderful memoir entitle, Tales of a Female Nomad, by Rita Golden Gelman. There is also the world-wide best-seller, Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. Another excellent book is, Exotic Travel Destinations for Families, by Jennifer and Bill Nichols that showcases 23 exciting countries in six different regions: Europe, Africa, Asia, Central America, South America and French Polynesia.

Also look for travel-minded reading groups at your local library. Your library may already host a travelers’ book club that highlights books that you and fellow wanderlusters would love to read and discuss together. If one is not already organized, ask if you can post a flyer about starting one to gauge community interest and build it from there. It takes just one person to start it up, so be open to that one person being you.

3. Local Travel Shops
Visiting your local travel shop to prepare for your upcoming adventures is a great way to get what you need while putting money back into your own community. This is also where you will find solid recommendations from people whose business is travel. Most shops will carry guidebooks and maps, as well as travel supplies and comforts that make those long, hard travel days a little easier.

I like to browse through my local shops to see what is new and useful, and also to talk to other travelers about their upcoming adventures. A cool thing that our local shop does, is host community slide shows and trip presentations events. You don’t need to be a professional storyteller or photographer; they just ask that you put together a sample of your favorites photos and stories to share. These events are always packed with people who are wanting to go to a particular destination, and others who like me, may need a little touch of the places they love. As with the book groups, if your local shop doesn’t already host these community presentation events, ask if you can give one a try to build interest and encourage others to offer their own. It is a win-win for travel lovers and the hosting store owners who will likely get new customers from the event.

4. Online Travel Communities
There are many excellent family travel blogs that chronicle the lives of families living out their dreams of travel. Familiesontheroad.com is a blog roll of some incredible and resourceful families who are traveling together by land, air and sea. There are also online travel communities to inspire you and where you can ask and answer questions. Lonely Planet’s Thorn Tree is a free travel forum that gets heavy participation and top-notch replies from travelers in the know.

Boba Family is another great family travel resource, so be sure to check out our travel-centered blogs. Included are interviews with families who do extended travel or “live on the road,” loads of tips from seasoned travelers and many how-tos—all free and available to you at BobaFamily.com.

5. Cooking
For me and my family, one of the best parts of traveling abroad is enjoying the local food. We look for cooking classes in the cities and villages where we are staying. Most classes will include a guided trip to traditional, neighborhood markets where farmers and other artisans bring their meat, cheese, fruits and spices to sell and trade. These tours help you discover how a particular dish gets that unique flavor and which kitchen tools help produce the most traditional results. When we travel, we always try to bring home indigenous honeys and specialty spices. Check your home country’s regulations on any possible restriction for what you can bring back with you.

Once home and missing our favorite flavors, we head to our own kitchen to recreate (As best as we can!) the dishes that take us back with each bite. My husband is also a master packer and has been able to bring home several pieces of specialty pottery from our travels around the world. My most treasured pieces are a black Chambra soup pot from Colombia and a comal from Mexico that offers the most authentic flavors when toasting spices and chiles.

Hopefully, these tips will carry you between your travels. And until your next journey, I wish you happy homesteading and lovely reminders of your travels past and dreams of travels to come. Remember, your love of travel is a wonderful thing to share, so take part in your community at home and encourage everyone to dream of travel. The world is big and beautiful and just waiting for you to discover yourself in it.

I was raised in a devoutly Catholic family. In all seasons and times of the year, we had altars throughout our home. My mom maintained one wall altar, which centered around a crucifix where our palm branches from Palm Sunday would be braided and hung. There was another wall altar of a print of Jesus embracing a figure of a young man. It was along side this print that my mom included photos of family members and friends who had passed. At Christmas we had a nativity display that was a seasonal altar. And each May, my mom, sister and I would create a “May Crowning” altar to celebrate Saint Mary who was also the namesake of my family’s home parish. Our May crowning altar was my favorite of the year and I loved to gather up spring flowers and other beautiful things to put on the altar which centered around our statue of Mary.

As I came of age and moved away from my family’s home, I discovered that many people, from a wide variety of faiths and traditions, also created and kept altars within their homes. With altars centered around a family’s shared faith or spiritual practice, or centered around any number of things that held great meaning for them all. The call to create altars in the spaces where we live, where we birth our babies and lay down to die, seems to come from a deep unconscious need within our collective psyche. There is no model to follow, there is no standard altar, though in viewing a variety of altars around the world, you will see themes that are common throughout humanity, such as altars to welcome birth, encourage love relationships, to worship with faith and devotion, and to honor death.

Early in my pregnancy, to honor this sacred time in our lives and to prepare our space for our upcoming homebirth, my birth altar began to take shape. The top shelf of a large bookcase in our living room was dedicated entirely to this. I didn’t place just anything on this altar, as it was not a piece of decoration for the room. It was a outward symbol of my own power to labor and birth my child into the world. I placed my most meaningful symbols of love, grace and mothering strength so that I could draw upon them all when the time came. I placed items that called to me from the natural world and gifts given to me by husband, and by the women in my life who wanted to bless my way ahead.

At the center I placed my treasured statue of Mary, who to me is the symbol of God’s perfect love for us, of God as our Divine Mother. Around her, I added items gifted to me by women friends who were all part of a traditional South Indian maternity ceremony that our dear Indian friend hosted for us. There were gifts of sweets and colorful fabric from this gathering, and each held such great memories of this ceremony that I shared with these treasured friends.

Upon the altar I also placed clean-burning candles to light as my labor began. One candle was a bee’s wax candle poured into the shape of an angel and another was a tall pillar enclosed in glass that I covered with beautiful paper. There were also nine unscented votives for soft lighting if my labor came during dark hours. And there was incense of frankincense and myrrh to light if scent was desired.

There were soft pink roses in bud vases that I placed on here, and on all the other altars throughout my home, just hours before my labor began. I also placed the many beautiful beads that were strung for me at my second blessingway and the written wishes from these same women. Reading these heartfelt wishes for my labor and birth still fills with me such deep gratitude for these friends. Many of whom of are now becoming mothers themselves and I now get to return the same love and good wishes to them.

After moving around our home throughout my labor, following that spontaneous flow, we eventually settled in our living room and our son was born under our birth altar. I can very clearly remember a moment after his birth, when I was leaning back into my husband’s arms, our son at my breast, our midwives tending to us, and looking up at my altar and feeling such tremendous gratitude for all that I had been asked of and all that I had been blessed with. We kept our altar intact, adding fresh flowers and gifts for our son, for over a year, until our family moved to our new home. Our altar became a family treasure and continued to offer beautiful reminders of what is important in birth and important too during that first precious year together.

Ask your heart if you would like celebrate your own pregnancy and birth by creating an altar within your home. If yours is a homebirth, you may want make it a large and include candles that may be lighted. If you plan to deliver in a hospital or center away from home, perhaps you may want a more mobile altar that you can include in your things that you bring with you. And while your altar will likely be very beautiful and hold many of your most precious items, I found it important to remember that a birth altar is not a piece of home decor, like a sculpture or a painting. Your birth altar should hold your most powerful symbols of love, strength and faith for these are the same qualities that you will draw upon in your labor. Include images and items that represent your deepest hopes and desires for your birth. Add what is uplifting and bolsters a deep sense of safety and confidence in yourself. Include gifts from those who love you and items that you may want to include in your labor, like chocolates, candles and incense.

I have seen birth altars that include inspired collages made by the mother. Another with a collection of photos of the maternal lineage and a grandmother’s wedding band. I have seen altars built upon windowsills, on shelves and tucked within a large potted plants that were displayed on table tops. I have also seen women who have beautifully painted one side of their belly and breasts casting and then created their birth altar within the open space made by their bellies. There are so many clever and creative ideas, but your own ideas will be the most beautiful and serve you the best. Don’t over think it, in fact, this is a time to follow your heart’s own inner guidance—it will serve you well again at your birth.

May you and your family’s way always be blessed.